Dear Little Sister-

You had such a rough day yesterday, and I'm sorry that I can't take away the pain of your experience. What he did was his choice, and it wasn't your fault. Sometimes people do desparate things when they aren't thinking straight, and we have no control over it. What he did proves that your ending the relationship was the right thing to do. Seeing him in the middle of the road an't have been easy, having him lay there and tell you that what he did was your fault, that it could have been avoided if only you'd given hima second chance....it's manipulative and borders on sadistic. Throwing himself in front of a truck, shows that you were right, this is not the guy for you. I can't fix it, and yes, I would if it was within my power. In time you will see that this wasn't your doing, it was his misguided choice...don't let him suck you back in...break free and spread your wings, and fly off into the sunset, the beautiful and amazing sunset filled with possibilities.

I love you

X

Ever felt like you were at the butt end of a cosmic joke?

Today was just a day, and then we get a call...my kid sister has been rushed to the hospital from a local park, and they were resuscitating her on the way. She was fine one minute, talking and laughing, she got up to go the bathroom, past the tree, bent over and then fell. And, oh yeah, didn't get back up again.

Problem: my kid sister is unable to breathe, I have no car, and she is 1 1/2 hrs away, and my mother is here with me, also no car, and in a panic to get to the side of the youngest of her 4 children.

We figure a way to get my mom there, pregnant me and my 2 kids will have to stay behind for now, but the transport for my mom will return and bring us to my sister as well, if when my mom gets there the situation warrants 2 trips in 1 day.

Well, baby sis is ok, and they had a hard time figuring out what happened. She doesn't have asthma, it wasn't a panic attack, and there were no apparent bites or stings anywhere on her body. She comes to and tells the docs the last thing she remembers was grabbing her knees to catch her breath b/c she felt as if her head was on fire....then she woke up in the E.R. They search her head best they can for a spider bite, her hair is incredibly thick tho, and this process is more than difficult. They think that she was biten by a Brown Recluse Spider, and that she should be fine, but avoiding these spiders in the future is advisable. (NO DUH!)

My mom finally gets to her and calls to let me know that everything is ok, kid sis just wants to go home a rest, so the noise that accompanies my 2 children isn't a good idea right now, we'll talk in the morning.

VERY SCARY! But, everyone is ok :)

oh how wonderful it was to wake up an dnot be covered in sweat, to have a dry pillow under my head, and to not feel like I was breathing in steam! If the weather man is to be believed then for the next at least 2 days the humidity is going to be low, making temps in the 80's much more bearable. :) :) :) :) This elates me in ways that I cannot fully express in words!

Time was standing still

Nothing was as it seemed

The words were out there, can't be retrieved

How?

It just ....How?

Innumerable thoughts swirling through her head

Where'd he have the time?

Minute details clicking into place

Oh, stop the noise

Broadsided...so that's what broadsided feels like

The twinkling of an eye...

That's how long it takes to ruin everything

Seven words......

That's how many it takes to destroy a dream

The oceans could not contain the tears

Nothing could remove the pain

1 well aimed shot

A simple form of payment for past misdeeds

No, that isn't the way

The door closes silently behind him

She's left still unsure of what's transpired

Sleep, yes sleep will make this go away

Ah, the sun....could it have been a dream....

Alone, no extra body there...

The oceans could not contain the tears

Well, I have spent the last couple of days with my feet up, trying to get the swelling to go down. It's been so hot and humid, I havent' been able to do much. Although being laid up has given me the time to realize that Christmas for us crafty types is just around the corner. So,, I've been crocheting my little fingers off. click here to see the poncho I made for my 1 year old neice...well she'll be 1 before Christmas. And click here to see a pair of Mary Janes I made for the new Baby. I found the pattern on line and couldn't resist making them, think I"ll make a few more.

Let me know what you think of my projects, and I'll post more as I complete them.

Mid-wife: "So, K are you excited about your new little sister coming?"

K (4 year old): "Yes. She's so cute. And mommy's gonna have pain in her belly, and come see you, and you're gonna take 'J" out of mommy's vagina. But not until 'J' is ready to meet everyone"

mid-wife: "yeah, that's about how it happens."

I thought I was gonna die laughing. K has been asking so many questions about the baby. I was thinking that she wasn't getting it, didn't understand the answers...but she understands, apparently all too well. The Miid-wife thought it was hilarious.

A kiss so sweet and lovely
A passion that fills my core
A Knowledge of what is to come
An understanding reached through simple touch

The first time that it happened
Came to me as a surprise
Your eyes were dancing with sheer joy
The intensity of it nearly caused me fright

Never had i imagined
That touching could be this way
The sweet release and sense of peace
As my body began to shake

Don't look at me in this weakened state
More vulnerable I have never been
And all I can think as your lips touch mine is
Again! Again! Again!
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;  ~xinnia

So, I had an appt with the midwife today. Was all set had to be there at 3:45, got there by 3:20, was ready for my ultrasound, no big deal. I get there and I'm told that I was supposed to have been there at 2:45.....opps! Then we had to go through the whole we changed our insurance issue, and found out that the new plan we are under doesn't cover my midwife ob/gyn, and I have to call Monday to see if I can changed to another plan, since I'm 37 weeks pregnant..changing practices at this point would about kill me, not to mention I am in the BEST OBSTETRICIAN"S office in the county, there is no one's hands I'd rather be in. So the stress kicked in, and I was in tears, I was late to the busiest office in town, toward the end of the day when they are already behind a bit, and I might not be able to stay with this practice.....OMG!

Well, that's where the stress ended, b/c I went in for my ultrasound, and there it was, a beautifully and perfectly formed 4 chamber heart, beating a little over 140 bpm. It was wonderful! Her head is down and she has 10 toes and fingers, and it looks like she'll only be around 8 lbs maybe 8 1/2lbs by the time i hit 40 weeks. This is good b/c my 2nd child was 9lbs 14oz and her clavicle was broken during delivery, and we were not wanting that to happen again. I will have 1 more ultrasound at 39 weeks (if she isn't already here) and assess her size 1 more time, and make the final determination about whether I will give birth or opt for a c-section. I'm sure birth will be the way we go.

I have more amniotic fluid than normal. 27cm of it when normal for this point is only 16cm. Which the midwife said explains why I keep having flase labor, the extra fluid is making my uterus think I'm further along than I am, and is irritating it, lol. I have an irritable uterus, that cracks me up. SO, maybe (and this is my hope not midwife opinion) she'll come soon and size wont be an issue, it's safe to have her now, so I have no fears, just need to get my room in order and find out Monday about the insurance.

OOO another funny thing happened today. I received a summons to Jury Duty. I've always wanted to do jury duty, but have never been called before. The paper said it was for a 4 day term, and it is to start August 2nd...well, I need to get a postponement, if baby girl isn't born yet, I'm going to be 39+weeks pregnant. Not entirely able to preform my civic duty at that point. Another phone call I need to make on Monday. But I will have to serve sometime in the next 6 months...that would be nice. I've honestly always wanted to be on a jury.

Neway, I'm real tired, and the girls need to get to bed. I'm gonna try and get to bed early tonight.

As I finished my paper and pen writing for the evening my beautiful 2 year old woke up with a case of the "there's a monster under my bed". We are now watching part of Shrek, she loves Donkey more than anything, and will soon be calm enough to go to sleep.

Since I am awake, I thought I'd blog the poem I wrote this evening. As always, comments are welcome...good and bad, can't improve if everyone always says they like it. ;)

The End

I thought you could be trusted
I thought that we were friends
I used to think a lot of things
Now I think about the end

I used to listen to your woes
Defend you from all types of foes
I used to do a lot of things
Then there came the end

I thought that we were lovers
No closer could two souls be
I used to think so many pleasantries
And then there came the end

Our love was powerful, pure, and perfect
We connected on levels never before known
I thought I'd never get over you
I found out life goes on

Enter tall, dark and handsome
Holding the keys to my heart
My present and future my everything
I can't think of where to start

I sometimes think of how we were
First loves are hard to forget
But then I think of how things are
And I have no regrets
~xinnia

I believe it was Susan who sent me the link. It's in comments somewhere. Anyway here are a couple of things I really enjoy that FlyLady makes me do:

1. Go through your house quickly with a garbage bag and throw away 27 things, then go through your house with a box and gather 27 things you will give away. (This is great b/c it takes almost no time at all, and helps to declutter, and helps you help someone else) On the Fun Scale, this activity gets a 5 :) :) :) :) :)

2. Shine your sink......ok this is low on the fun scale, but makes me feel really good! Dishes are my least favorite thing, what I put off to the end of any cleaning session, well FLYLady doesn't play that way, she says do it first! And Shine Your Sink to Boot. Well, a clean Kitchen really is a stress reliever, I can't even begin to go there. So even tho it isn't fun, the results are great, I give this activity a 3 :) :) :)

3. Only do anything for 15 min at a time....this one I really like, it forces me to not over do it. Now I've been doing a few 15 min sessions a day as I get the gumption, and things are looking up....did you know I had a bedroom floor? I've been sleeping on the pull out sofa b/c all our clean clothes are on the bed, and all the laundry is on our floor, so our room isn't useable.....in the next 2 or 3 days I predict that will change...hey, you can do anything for just 15 minutes, right?

Anyway, if anyone else out there is a SHE (Sidetracked Home Executive) then FLYLady might be a site of interest to you.

Well, I was up last night until 3:30am having contractions every 10-15 minutes....and then they went away, no new baby yet. Tomorrow I have an ultrasound, so I'll make sure they see what my cervix has been up to with all this false labor I've been having.

Woke up at 8:00 and got the girls ready, we had an appt downtown which entailed a 1hr bus ride, so had to get up early to get there on time...we  really need a mini-van, lol. Oh well, luckily we have reliable public transportation. Anyway, the appt was only mildly frustrating, and the girls we SO WELL BEHAVED!!!!! I was entirely amazed by my children today, a total tranformation from the wild and crazy monster fighters they were being yesterday. I received so many compliments from other parents, "oh, how nicely they are behaving", "she's so good to her little sister", "what drug did you give them to induce such good behavior?". I had to laugh, and hard at that last one. It was said by this frazzled woman, that bore a striking resemblence to what I must have looked like while writing out my last entry. Her 3 year old was pulling the hair fo her 5 year old. and then crying when the 5 year old asked her to stop...and not a normal cry, but an all out war cry (you'd think the 5 year old was hitting his little sister back, but he was very patiently asking her to please leave him alone). The mother stepped in and said she had to stop acting that way, and the little girl bit her mother so hard that she drew blood from her shoulder.....I could see the restraint the mother was exhibiting in not tossing the child across the room, and remember thinking how lucky this little girl was that she was in front of so many witnesses.....at home I'm sure her little butt would have have been turned a much deserved shade of red.  It was before the biting that the woman had asked what drug my kids were on, I wouldn't have been able to laugh if she'd asked while she was bleeding.

I enjoy days when my children could qualify for an Academy Award, it's nice to have people tell me how good they are. I guess I am lucky, anytime we are in public they do behave incredibly well. Yesterday wasn't even really their fault, the whole schedule was messed up and we were all on edge. They truly are good children, I'm not deluded, they aren't perfect, but they are great kids, sweet and loving and jovial.

I spoke to my mother, and though she had said she wasn't coming this week, she has worked it out so that she can. She is also bringing my youngest sister with her, so I'll have the 2 of them up here helping with the girls and the last 2 major projects I have left before the new baby is born. So, I am feeling a lot less pressure. My mom won't do the 15 minutes at a time thing, she'll get the girls working and my sister and myself (to some extent) and hammer it out, then tell me to follow FlyLady to maintain everything, hey works for me. Can't complain about what is basically a free maid service for a week. I tell you, there is nothing better than an overprotective mom and a neurotically neat sister coming to stay at your house for a week, with no other purpose than to take the load off your shoulders......yeah I know, you are all thinking that I am spoiled and you jealous, heehhehehe. :) I love my mom!

Haven't written anything today, didn't spend my 10 minutes in my paper journal yet. Some interesting things have come out of these exercises this week, and I really enjoy them. If any stories develop I'll post them here, or If more poems come a flowing I'll do the same.

One last thing, for those who sent hugs and well wishes yesterday, thank-you very much. And for those who technically followed the "no comment" rule and sent me a tmail instead...you sneaky sneaky peeps....thanks a bunch to all of you as well! Well my 2 year old is wanting a story, and then I'm going to have to get dinner going soon...thinking pb&j, it's much to hot to turn the stove on.....so hagn, and I'll be on later to see how everyone is doing, and read some blogs and get more tbucks.

I am having a total panic attack. Thinking about everything that needs to be done , and how there is no time in which to do it. My mom isn't coming this weekend, so I won't have her help with any of it.  DH is thinking of working 7 days this week in order to make a little extra money to help pay for some of the little things we need....I don't want to not see him, I think he'd be killing himself working 7 straight days, but he's feeling pressure too so I'm not going to argue with him.

The girls...ya know the ones who were up at 6am, have done nothing but fight for the last hour, I'm about to pull out all my hair. And I'm missing $10...i think one of them hid it, and i'll end up finding it in 3 months or something like that.

I've joined FLYlady.net, and this was supposed to help alleviate the pressure I feel where housework is concerned. I'm sure it will once the next hr or so passes...I know my hubby would be thrilled to death to come home to a clean house, but the 15min rule works well for me and keeps me from over doing it....and I am really good at voer doing it.

This is where I wish tblog had a "make post private" option...but oh well, I started this thing to let out things so I wasn't bottling them up inside anymore, and so that by getting them out there I wouldn't feel so insane..cuz this isn't exactly talking to myself, it's sharing with complete strangers all over the internet things that are personal and private.

Have you ever had like a daydream, but not really a daydream, more like letting your mind wander into hypothetical situations, and following the thought through to what you would do step by step in the event that the events actually took place? I have, like if my husband and children all go somewhere without me, like when hubby is giving me 'mommy alone time'....I inevitably think of what would happen if the state trooper knocked on the door and told me there was some kind of accident. I wonder what I would do if I wasn't wife and mother. Sometimes I can't even go further than that, I am frozen to the couch waiting for a knock on the door, or the sound of my children's voices. And other times I think of what I'd say about my husband at his funeral, and about taking photography classes at the local community college, and where I would apply for work, and what I would want to do. I feel like the most horrible person alive when I am able to think it through that much, like I'm willing the demise of my family in order for these other events to be able to take place. I've often wondered what kind of relationship I would maintain with my in-laws if my husband and children wern't here to make me see and associate with them.....odd to think that people I do care about are in some degree disposable from my circle of contact. I mean I care for them, even respect them most times, but not sure why.

Like my first entry said there are times that i simply feel crazy and my mind gets to racing so fast that I can't even keep up with what it's trying to say, and it very rarely actually gets to a point. Man they need to stop fighting...i'm going to have to just put them to bed and take a long bath and chill out, literally and figuratively.

Having these contractions isn't helping anything either. They started early tonight. lately I've been having contractions for a few hrs every night starting around 9pm, and then after a few hrs they just stop....glad I've given birth before or i'd prolly be a frequent guest to L&D. Hopefully this means they'll stop earlier in the evening, then I can get to bed earlier than I have been.

Maybe that's it, Maybe I'm just tired and thats where all this nonsense is coming from.....THEY ARE STILL FIGHTING!

Like I said in title, no comments to this entry plz....just venting.

I have always bragged that my children are the ideal sleepers....not sure what happened to them today. I crashed violently into wakefulness at 6a.m. The 2 year old princess had fallen off her bed...no hope in going back to sleep since the sun was beginning to rise at this point. The blood curdling scream that woke me about gave me a heart attack as well. This same scream also resulted in the 4 year old coming to the rescue telling her little sister to "breathe" so she'd calm down.

So, what can we do? Bust out The Incredibles, 2 spiral notebooks, and some crayons, and we have instant quiet in our household. Hubby came home late this morning, but was greeted at 6:45 by his little girls fighting over who was going to open the door and hug him first. Nap time usually happens 2 hrs after we wkae up, we get up at 9, nap at 11. So our schedule was shot today, at 8am we took a nap....lets be honest here, I was kinda falling out around 7:15.

So nap time went from like 8 to 11....apparently just in time for lunch. Discovered late in the afternoon...right about now actually, that nap time is best done between 11-1 like we are accomstomed. The 2 year old is falling apart, crying over every little thing....a sure sign that she is ready for bed, but to let her go to sleep now at 4:34 would mean that she won't sleep tonight.

It's a vicious circle, the sleep cycle of a toddler. Especially when it was fine tuned to a science, and so perfectly that everyone could be in a good mood almost all the time. I have to endure the cranky pants squad for no less than 2 1/2 more hrs. 7pm is the absolute earliest that I could dare put her to bed for the evening...but honestly I'll probably wait until 8 anyway, in hopes that she'll sleep a little later tomorrow...there is a yawn, a big one too..like you see the lions display on the National Geographic Channel....she might be out soon whether I like it or not. Let's face it children have the ability to sleep wherever they are whenever they need to.

Maybe tomorrow morning I'll look at the clock  before deciding if I've heard a disturbence....

Well the children are in bed, and the hubby is at work. I had a great conversation with a friend in another state, and it felt good to really talk to her. She's a little older than me and I think that she tries to mask her feelings from me. I think she views herself as a mentor to me, and doesn't want me to worry about her. What I don't think she realized until today is that I worry about her anyway. She moved to another state after living in the same place her entire life, had to make a new circle of friends, have her whole role change. Her husband's job in the new state had him away from home for weeks at a time when he used to be home daily for dinner. She had a ton of adjustments to make, and was trying to keep on a happy face. So I told her about my blog. I didn't give her the name, just told her that this was the outlet I had decided to use to release feelings that I felt otherwise unable to vent. I've had blogs before so I gave her a few different blog sites to check out. She was so excited to learn that such a thing existed. Something not on pen and paper that might be found under the mattress and cause ehr husband a load of worry. She just needs somewhere to let out the negative so she can be her positive sanguine self. I hope it works out ok for her.

I had an unexpected visit from one of my oldest and closest friends today, to let me know that her impending move is not a month away, but actually happening this friday. Going to be a horrible weekend. She's moving and my other best friend that I would talk to about it is out of state until next week, and my mother's trip here for the weekend has been canceled.....how is it that a married mother of 2 1/2 can feel so abandoned? lol. I am happy for my friend that is moving, it's a great oppurtunity for her and her family, I'm just going to miss her so much.

I think I might actually get to bed at a decent hour tonight, I am absolutely exhausted, the heat is gonna kill me, I swear it is. But first FlyLady Says I have to do the dishes.....yeah so cleaning for only 15 minutes at a time is great, except I never want it to be time for the 15 minutes of cleaning, lol. Plus, Fly Lady says I should wear my shoes....and my feet are too swollen to do that, so wonder if Flip-Flops are ok....but then, I guess Fly Lady will never know.

A cold bath or shower might be just what teh doctor ordered, had a nice cold shower earlier and helped for a bit, maybe that will be my reward for a job well done on the dishes. Then I'm going to do another writing exercise and go to bed. Earlier I did an excerise where my pen wasn't allowed to stop for 10 minutes, was amazing what came out, I started with the phrase "I remember" and went from there...who knew I had 10 minutes worth of writing about when and how I started playing the clarinet...i didn't even know till today I had that memory, was pretty cool.

Well, good night to those who read me, and hope you come back soon...

~x

This weekend I ran across a blog by a woman who puts the feminist movement back 100 years. It was frustrating for me to see this kind if ideology being put forth for younger woman to read and possibly emulate. After a lively comment debate, my comments were erased and I received a nasty t mail instructing me (with much profanity) to mind my own business. Point taken.

For all you other bloggers out there, I’d like to know how you define your blog. Is it something private that you write for yourself? Is it to get feedback? What do you do when someone disagrees with you? I fear I may have had the wrong idea about what a blog is. Feedback would be appreciated!

Ok, the above quote was taken from the 7-5-05 blog entry from childish...and as I couldn't find a (view/add) cemments link I thought I'd respond here, I only found the entry last night..thus the late response.

I want to start with, I welcome all comments, just keep profanity out of it. I can take anything said by just about anyone, but if you can't come across as a civilized, somewhat educated adult...then I don't have the time or the inclination to listen. So, I guess that's my comment leaving rule...no swearing.

Now, I would be interested in seeing the blog of the lady who put the feminist movement back 100 years, so I can see if i agree with her or not. I'm young, real young. Here is how I feel about the people that share my gender. (I guess it's a touchy subject for me, since as a SAHM this is the only argument I ever seem to have with my mother).

I believe that if a woman and a man have the same job (they are both store managers for the same company) that they should receive the same pay. I believe that women should be able to receive the education and oppurtunity to be doctors and lawyers, and senators and whatever else they desire to be, and that once the education is received there should be a visible and real path to meet their goals. I even believe that one day we will and should have a woman president.

My question to the feminists though...is where do you get off being down on me for believing that there is no greater call to a woman than that of raising her children? I am not saying to be a Susy Homemaker with no original thoughts, but I truly believe that once a woman makes a choice to become a mother, that she should BE a mother. When did it stop being a noble endeavor to raise the generation of people who will decide what nursing home you will live in? We are so quick to recognize what a SAHM gives up in the way of power and prestige, but we often fall very short in acknowleding that the woman who works outside the home gives up so much more. Many express feelings of guilt for not being home, and a resentment for missing out on their little one's milestones....first step, word etc. There are things I get out of being Mom that no job will ever give me....so I remain employed inside my house.

My mother cannot fathom, for the life of her, how one of her daughters has to come to rely so completely on a man. I rely on my husband to make an income that keeps our soon to be family of 5 sheltered, fed and clothed. I have the nerve to allow him to drive, and even give him the check card when we go out so it "looks" like he's paying. I have the nerve to have breakfast ready for him when he returns from work at 6am, and I have his back to the outside world, even when I know he's wrong. I wait until we are alone to tell him he was wrong, so anyone who knows us sees that I support him beyond reason.  Also, when in a room with more than one guy in it, I always ask my husband to open that jar of pickles...b/c ya know, none of the others would be strong enough to do it. I am home with our children every hour of every day, cleaning house (moreso when I'm not pregnant), keeping up with laundry, going on play dates, doing crafts, and all around never really stopping. I know that there are those who think I am stupid to rely so much on my husband for my livlihood, and that I should really be buffering myself for the inevitable divorce, or his death, afterall what would I do if he wasn't here?

In return for relying on my husband to provide the basic needs of our family, and building him up at every turn, I get the following: a man who even after working a 12 hr long overnight shift, will rub my feet as soon as his breakfast is over.  A man who insists that no less than every 2 weeks I take no less than 3 hrs in the evening and go either shopping, or to the bookstore, or out to eat with friends, and let him be home with our children. I am married to a man who takes his break from work at bedtime so that he can read our children a story. He is attentive, and faithful to a fault. He lives in a home where he wants to be, a place he looks forward to coming. His children already recognize how hard he works, and he can walk anywhere with his head held high, knowing that he provides for his family in such a way that his wife has the ability to stay home and take care of the business there.

He's never told me that I can't work, and i've never said that I refuse to work. But we know that our children are only this young for so long and then it is over, and we'll never get these years back. I choose as a woman, a noble, nurturing being, to be what I chose to be....A Mother, and so much more than that...I am a MOM. I am the safe place my children come to, the support person my husband runs to. I know everyday that if I am not here my absence is felt. I know that, like it or not, I set the emotional tone of my household. I know that my husband will live up or down to the things I say about him, and I have just as much power over how he feels about himself, as he does over how I feel about myself. There is no one in the world that I am more concerned about than my husband, his feelings and desires, by meeting those needs I am enabling him to meet my needs as well, and together we can address our children.

To all the SAHM's out there, keep your head high, and know that you are a cut above the rest. We don't get a paycheck at the end of the week, but we gain so much more. For all the things other women think we are giving up, we can sleep well at night knowing that we are doing what is right for ourselves, and more importantly what is right for our children.

If having no greater desire at the moment than being the best wife and mother I can be, means that I am anti-feminist, or that I am setting our gender back....then I guess I am. But my children know what I expect from them, they have no doubts as to their boundaries, and they will know and see as they get older, that men and women are different, and it's by acknowleding the differences and using them to work together that a household becomes a home, and married people with kids become a family.

Well, as requested by susan in the comments to my color criss, here is a little bit of information about the beautiful little girls I have already had the pleasure of bringing home from the hospital.

My 4 year old, is this wildly imaginative and vibrant little girl. She is huge on solo imaginary play. I am not kidding, all she needs is 3 feet of personal space and she will create a world so elaborate and wonderful. She can tell you where people in her world live, and what their houses look like, if they have sisters and brothers, and what they are going to have for dinner. She is a caring, attentive, and over-protective older sister, who spends no less an hour overall everyday singing and telling stories to her unborn sister, letting her learn her voice, and telling her that she can't wait until she arrives.

My 2 year old is active...i mean ACTIVE. The girl never sits still, and thus has little interest in the imaginary worlds her sister creates. She is hands on, real life object oriented. She plays with the ball, and the weeble town, and just runs in circles around the island that separates the dining room from the kitchen. She will not watch more than 30 min of TV in a day, and even then it isnt consecutive. She has no fear, not of heights,nor of water, nor of running down hill as fast as she can. She has to be entertained, either by myslef, the hubby or her sister, and doesn't seem happy having to play on her own. She is independent, already able to dress herself, with the exception of buttons, and even puts her shoes on the right feet. We bought her velcro, since she was so frustrated needing help with laces.

The 4 year old just started dressing herself last fall/winter, and only after being pressured by her classmates when she started pre-school.

The one thing that my children do have in common, is that they are excellent sleepers. And I mean sent from heaven, excellent sleepers. The 4 year old doesn't take naps during the day, but will lay down with me for an hour so that I can, and she'll watch a movie or cartoon on Disney, and not make any mischief.Occassionally she'll actually fall asleep. And the 2 year old takes a nap everyday from 11-1, like clockwork, and then goes to bed at 8pm, and sleeps until 7:30/8:00a.m. The 4 year old goes down from 9-9. I have been very lucky, as both of my girls have been good sleepers almost immediately from birth.

They keep me on my toes, and they challenge me ways I never thought possible. They show me everyday that my place is with them, and that they are my purpose for being here. To make sure that they reach the age of 18 in tact, with a sense of moral integrity, a sense of self-respect, and that they have the power to change the world arround them.

I had such dreams before I became a mother, all of which were selfish and silly. They changed my dreams by simply breathing their first breath, and showed me what love is. Different from the love for my husband, which is romantic and heated, and even conditional. I can think of 2 things that could potentially make me turn from my husband. But I can think of nothing, absolutely nothing, that could make me turn away from my children. It's scary isn't it....loving someone for no other reason than that thet exist and they are yours. They don't say thank-you when I do the dishes, or cook them dinner, they don't appreciate why they were reprimanded for playing with the light socket. They don't sing my praises when I get up in the middle of the night to make the monsters go away, they don't say thank-you when I have the flu, but still muster the strength to have a tea party, or bring them to the park....and they don't have to. They are a part of me, I'd like to think the best part of me. Constant reminders that if I put myself down, I am putting them down.

They bring me 80% of the joy I feel in my life, and more than half the frustration as well....

There ya go.....some info on the 2 I already brought home.

I am trying very hard to not lose my mind while figuring out the color combination that i want for this blog. If anyone has any suggestions they are much appreciated.

In the meantime, bear with me as looking at my blog will reveal different colors every few minutes until I get it exactly how I want it.

Man, hard to believe the day isnt over yet, I'm absolutely exhausted and now it's hot, so any furtherance of the list made last night will have to wait until after the sun goes down. The garbage made it to the curb, the 2 year old is down for a nap, and the 4 year old is about to join me for one....whether or not she wants to. Some dishes are done, too tired to sweep and mop.

Can't wait till the baby is born, maybe the heat won't seem so bad once the basketball is out of my belly. Pregnancy is such an amazing thing, and I hate to complain about swollen feet and being over tired, and cranky, I feel like it would seem to others that i don't enjoy the experience. The truth is being pregnant is amazing to me, this is my 3rd child, and I am still amazed. Every time I feel her moving around inside me, or my 2 little ones talk to my belly and she responds to their voices. As if to say "i'm your little sister and I'll be with you soon". We can now see her moving across the room, as my abdomen moves in waves with each kick and somersault. It doesn't matter that she seems to like to cut off my air supply by taking up the sapce where my lungs should be, or that I can't sleep on my stomach, or that I have such horrible indigestion....this process is a miracle, a miracle made from the love between my husband and myself. But as with all things there is an upside and a down side....ankles that think they should be the same size as my upper calves...are a bad thing, but knowing that my daughter will be here within a month, is such a good thing.

One word of advice to others tho, if you don't enjoy being hot to begin with....plan ahead and don't be pregnant in the summer. My older children were both January babies, and I was only newly pregnant in the hot summer months. Lemme tell ya....it's so much more bearable to be hugely pregnant in the bleak mid winter! Eveyone around you is cold, and you are nice and warm all the time =)

Wonder how much of it I can get done tomorrow.

1. Bring laundry to basement


2. DO the dishes


3. Take garbage to curb


4. Sweep girls bedroom


5. complete 3 loads of laundry....including folding and putting away


6. sweep and mop kitchen, dining and bathrooms


7. bleach counters and sink...it's been a week


8. bring the girls either to park to swim or outside to play with the hose


9. Make lemon chicken for dinner


10. make menu for next week and grocery list

My life sounds so exciting I know. But what this doesn't account for are teh 100 times my 2 year old will make me laugh, or my 4 year old will show how much smarter than me she is. How swollen my feet will get from being up doing things most of the day, or how grumpy hubby will be when he has to get up for work. The millions of little things that happen everyday that make things interesting and mundane all at the same time.

Have i mentioned that i hate cleaning?

Well, this is my first entry. Been sitting here trying to think of something intelligent to say, and can't come up with anything. I have a lot of stress in my life, and need a place where no one knows who I am to let it all out. I'm supposed to have it all together, ya know?

I'm a wife and mother, almost mother of 3. My life is for the most part good, but the things that are wrong are so totally out of control. I feel like I'm going crazy half the time, and I can't talk to anyone about it.

I don't know exactly where to turn. Sometimes I think that I could just run away and never look back. But then I remember all the things about my life that are good, and I'd never wanna hurt my children like that. Sometimes I think my husband and I should just pack up and move, bring nothing more than a few changes of clothes and take our kids and jsut start over in new place.

I don't actually believe that any of these things would actually solve the problems, it would just transfer them to a new zip code.

There are so many things that I need to do. I am a big list maker, and then I look at the list and am so overwhelmed by how much i have to do that I don't do anything, b/c I feel like "whats the point...it'll never all get done anyway". I actually cleaned the living room today, and am working up the gumption to start on the kitchen or dining room.

Biggest thing is that there is so much laundry to do, and I have no idea how I am ever going to get it all done, much less folded, or hung up and put away. We need about 100 more hangers, and 3 more closets.

Wish I had hubby's support with all this. Wish I could begin to convey how entirley overwhelmed I am. How scared I am about the new baby. How much I feel like I simply can't do this. I give all I have to my children and my husband, what if there is nothing left for another baby? What if i am a terrible mother? My husband says these fears are evidence that I won't be a terrible mother, that they are proof that I love my new baby already and would never allow these fears to come to fruition.

I simply don't know. What I do know is that I need to get a grip and let go of the anxiety....does it even make sense? "get a grip" and "let it go", lmao. Too funny, I can't even make sense of what needs to be done...hth am i going to do it?